Speak Your Truth: The Way Home

I am not going to pretend anymore, nor should you.  Most people spend their whole lives hiding from something or someone.  What is to be gained from hiding?  In most cases, nothing.  Why hide from others?  People may be initially conflicted, but most appreciate honesty over smoke and mirrors.  Besides, the only one you truly end up hurting is yourself for allowing yourself to be barricaded in the prison of your mind.  If nothing is said or done to resolve said issue, whatever it is that has been in hiding will eventually surface.  In this case, honesty is the best policy.  I cannot stress enough the importance of authenticity and proudly sharing yourself with others, so I am including my personal story to empower those who wish to take a stand and speak their truths.

To set the record straight, my story began long before I got married.  In school, I was always motivated to do well academically and in every activity I was involved with, which included my number one love, music.  I was rewarded with my work in school with scholarships and entrance into my dream college--Wartburg College.  While on the track to become a performing musician, I got swayed by someone else and married shortly after college.  Career plans suddenly changed, but I found a way to incorporate music into my life by teaching and playing for churches.  No matter what jobs I have done and continue to do, I still try to find a way to weave my creative spirit into them.

I always told myself that no matter what happened, I would find a way to make "it" work.  And I did "it" in more than one way, testing myself many times beyond exhaustion.  "It" encompassed my relationship and career goals, which proved to be very difficult to attain.  I pretended that everything was okay, denying my most vital human needs and determined to find something else to feed my spirit.  As I worked to fulfill my needs, I found solace through my indomitable spirit.

I was raised in an environment which was heavily influenced by work and my mother and father always found ways to help my brother and I live comfortably.  I am indebted to them for this as I know that it wasn't always easy, but that form of sacrifice always stuck with me.  I carried that through with my marriage, thinking that I would need to sacrifice much for him, and that from disillusioned sources, this was just a part of marriage.  I would need to learn to deal with things and sacrifice so that we would be able to live a better life.  So I did.  In doing so, we moved 5 times in 5 years, sometimes to a different state and sometimes within the same area.  Nomadic living became a part of me, so much so that I forgot what being grounded felt like.  I also forgot what being "home" felt like.  (In this case, a sense of identity/belonging.)  I had lost myself along the way trying to please someone else, taking little consideration into my own goals.  Taking roads less traveled can be good, but taking so many can also be detrimental, causing chaos and confusion.  Which roads lead "home?"  "Home" should have been where the heart was, but I was unable to find it at the time.

Of course, my overzealous nature contributed to the problem.  Working was my escape from reality and I thoroughly enjoyed it more than being at home.  I enjoyed the camaraderie of my co-workers and the presence of people.  What I didn't understand was that my reality was not his reality.  In fact, I don't even believe our realities ever co-existed.  Nevertheless, the issue eventually came to surface: he was not comfortable with his identity, so he decided he was going to take extreme measures to become the person he wanted to be.  I chose not to participate in those decisions because at this point, there was no relationship.  Also, I did not want to be included with any part of these modifications.  The situation was so surreal, I could have sworn I was in an episode of "The Twilight Zone."  Suffice it to say, I left and did not look back.  Finding my way back "home" was the best decision of my life.

To this day, I have found love and honesty in every facet of my life, but mostly because I told myself that I wouldn't accept anything less than what I deserved.  Thankfully, I have what I deserve and am at a peaceful existence with myself that I could have never fathomed before.  I have found love within myself first and within the man of my dreams.  Having love in both of these places at once is pure bliss.  This is why honesty matters--peace, happiness, and well-being can be yours for the taking if you choose to be honest with yourself first.  Once you are honest with yourself, it is easier to be honest with others.

Here's to all of you trying to fulfill one of life's hardest tests: speaking your truth.
But remember this: your truth can and will set you free.  It may even take you back "home."

The Domino Effect

As an adolescent, I spent hours building domino formations.  I enjoyed the precision of making sure each domino was placed so that once struck, they would all seamlessly fall down and create a beautiful cascade, (aka, domino effect.)  Somehow watching the dominoes gracefully fall into each other made all of the tedious work worthwhile.  To put it simply, it was a work in progress made into a work of art.  

As an adult, regretfully, I no longer play with dominoes.  However, I understand the developmental value of play in fostering human development.  Concrete play can lead to abstract thought, from dominoes to perspective.  If we envision ourselves as dominoes, the perspective drastically changes.  No one wants to fall down; however, we realize that sometimes things happen that are out of our control.  Suffice it to say, this doesn't mean we have to allow the situation(s) to overtake us.

When one thing falls, it doesn't always mean everything else falls.  It is merely about placement to determine whether the effect happens.  While watching a domino effect can be quite riveting, experiencing one of your own is less than desirable.  This, of course, all depends on placement.  In this case, mentality.

Sheer volition has been my strongest and most reliable asset.  Feeding myself inspiration and surrounding myself around positive people have molded me into a better person overall.  Even though it took several carefully-placed dominoes to re-build from the displaced pieces, I now understand the process was necessary.  Every domino has led me to where I needed to be, and while the process was grueling in the beginning, it most certainly was gratifying in the end.  Watching all of the pieces fall "up" on my terms has made me wholly satisfied again.

Likewise, sometimes when everything falls down, everything falls into place.  Up is the new down, while down is the new frown.  (Sometimes I am a poet...) ;)

Word to the wise:

The domino effect can be good or bad.  It is up to you to choose.  Choose carefully.

Until We Meet Again

In most cases, goodbyes are inevitable.  They are a routine gesture used by many people to signify someone's absence.  Most of us recognize this signaling word as being either temporary or permanent.  This blog discusses my emotional journey of saying "goodbye" to the things and people who mattered most to me.

Saying goodbye is always such a difficult thing to do.  I personally don't like "goodbye," for the very reason that it sounds permanent.  I prefer the phrase, "until we meet again," because that sounds temporary and acknowledges that I have sincere intentions to meet again.  Among the hardest things to leave behind were my friends, co-workers, dog, and the house.  However, every circumstance and everyone in my journey has helped me become the stronger person that I am today,

Leaving my place of employment in MD was heart-wrenching for many reasons.  I felt like I had finally "made it" career-wise and loved selling, fixing, and handling jewelry.  I also had an excellent supervisor/"soul sister" who helped guide me in so many ways in the jewelry business and in the game of life.  In fact, if it hadn't been for her guidance and continuous support, I don't know how I would have managed in my difficult situation.  Other team members were equally as supportive, though, offering advice and optimism in the darkest of times.  This team was special, one of whom I still cannot forget.  Everyone had their own niche and was valuable to the team.  I will never forget the group dynamic and support I received.  To put it simply, I considered them my family.  They were an essential chapter of my life and personal growth and will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Leaving my dear friends was very emotional for me since I had developed such good friendships over the course of a year.  They loved me for who I was, I never had to pretend or apologize to them.  I learned from them that every relationship should have this kind of quality, not just friendships.  With the love and support I received from my friends, this led me to believe there is something better for me on the horizon, even if I didn't know where I was going at that time. I learned more from them than they will ever know and they provided me love in times I didn't know it existed.  They are always in my heart as I think of them often and stay in touch.

Leaving the house and my dog, Duke is still one of the hardest things I have dealt with.  To have worked so relentlessly to purchase the home of my dreams to suddenly leave was devastating.  Likewise, to have loved and cared so deeply for Duke and to have left with the memory of him whimpering was like a mother leaving her crying child.  I don't ever wish for anyone to experience anything like that.  Thankfully, though, Duke is now in a loving home with a family who socializes him daily.  In fact, he is a therapy dog.

I didn't share my story for sympathy, but rather to sort out my feelings that have been tucked away for awhile.  For those whom I never said goodbye to, I am deeply sorry.  I haven't forgotten you, and I haven't forgotten the regret.  

"The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained."  ~Anonymous

I have become the best version of myself and am amazed at my own strength, albeit it wasn't easy.  Every day is a challenge, but I dream of better days, and so far life has been full of wonderful surprises.  I see nothing but blue skies from here on out and look forward to the next chapter of my life.

At some point, I would like to reconnect with my "family."  The question of "when" remains a mystery, though.  All I can say at this point is that I look forward to meeting with you again..

"Goodbyes are not forever.  Goodbyes are not the end.  They simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again!"  ~Anonymous

A Spiritual Awakening

Before I start this post, I should mention that I am not going to affiliate myself nor promote any sort of organized religion.  Due to the nature of many opinions/beliefs, I feel these things should remain private and are not open for debate/discussion on my blog.  I am, however, going to talk about my own experience and definition of a "spiritual awakening."  This posting is about the experience I encountered.

Perspective gives you many windows to view the world around you.  It is especially good for your heart and soul.  On the journey you find yourself figuring out your own set of beliefs, while forming a solid foundation for your identity.  It is in this formation that you realize things you really enjoy doing, and company you really enjoy spending time with.

In my case, it primarily involves listening to/playing music and working with/being in the presence of people.  Last Friday evening, I had the pleasure of hearing the Maryland Symphony Orchestra perform pieces by Haydn, Sibelius, and Elgar.  Out of all of these, Elgar's Cello Concerto stood out the most, especially with the soloist.  It is during these times of hearing  professional musicians that I so fondly remember what it was like to be one myself.  It is also one of these times I am blessed to be involved in this gift of energy, otherwise known as music.  Music cannot be explained, but experienced.  For any of you who have participated as a musician or audience member, you probably know that there is an exchange of energy that goes on.  In this exchange of energy there is music, but there is also the passion from the musicians.  Maybe I am more of an intuitive person or maybe just a mystic.  Either way, I am elated (maybe some kind of transcendentalism) and become overcome with joy during these events.  This is one such instance of a "spiritual awakening" for me.

Another case of a "spiritual awakening" is when I am helping people.  Even though I am just a volunteer ticket-taker or usher, I take pleasure in meeting new people.  I had the pleasure of talking with an older woman about the music of the program, as well as other mundane topics.  Talking with her and others reminded me that there are good people out there.  Humanity isn't totally doomed.  ;)

Music ties humans together.  It is one of the few things that binds us together without speech or action.  It opens our ears so we listen, instead of just hearing what is around us.

Music and people are gifts.  It is up to us to find the good in people, and it is up to us to surround ourselves with things that make us happy.

Don't stop believing: The Road Not Taken

Don't stop believing: The Road Not Taken: I've always admired Robert Frost's poem, "The Road Not Taken."  It has been my mantra for life, and quite frankly, I've lived up to it quite...

Fall Foliage

Fall is upon us, so I thought I would take a moment to capture nature's beauty.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons not only for the weather, but also for the beautiful array of colors.

Nature's canvas at work...

And a wind turbine farm on top of the Appalachian Mountains...:)

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays, everyone!  May this season bring you light and inspiration to graciously help others or simply yourself.  May you also have peace and happiness.

Peace,

Brittany