I am not going to pretend anymore, nor should you. Most people spend their whole lives hiding from something or someone. What is to be gained from hiding? In most cases, nothing. Why hide from others? People may be initially conflicted, but most appreciate honesty over smoke and mirrors. Besides, the only one you truly end up hurting is yourself for allowing yourself to be barricaded in the prison of your mind. If nothing is said or done to resolve said issue, whatever it is that has been in hiding will eventually surface. In this case, honesty is the best policy. I cannot stress enough the importance of authenticity and proudly sharing yourself with others, so I am including my personal story to empower those who wish to take a stand and speak their truths.
To set the record straight, my story began long before I got married. In school, I was always motivated to do well academically and in every activity I was involved with, which included my number one love, music. I was rewarded with my work in school with scholarships and entrance into my dream college--Wartburg College. While on the track to become a performing musician, I got swayed by someone else and married shortly after college. Career plans suddenly changed, but I found a way to incorporate music into my life by teaching and playing for churches. No matter what jobs I have done and continue to do, I still try to find a way to weave my creative spirit into them.
I always told myself that no matter what happened, I would find a way to make "it" work. And I did "it" in more than one way, testing myself many times beyond exhaustion. "It" encompassed my relationship and career goals, which proved to be very difficult to attain. I pretended that everything was okay, denying my most vital human needs and determined to find something else to feed my spirit. As I worked to fulfill my needs, I found solace through my indomitable spirit.
I was raised in an environment which was heavily influenced by work and my mother and father always found ways to help my brother and I live comfortably. I am indebted to them for this as I know that it wasn't always easy, but that form of sacrifice always stuck with me. I carried that through with my marriage, thinking that I would need to sacrifice much for him, and that from disillusioned sources, this was just a part of marriage. I would need to learn to deal with things and sacrifice so that we would be able to live a better life. So I did. In doing so, we moved 5 times in 5 years, sometimes to a different state and sometimes within the same area. Nomadic living became a part of me, so much so that I forgot what being grounded felt like. I also forgot what being "home" felt like. (In this case, a sense of identity/belonging.) I had lost myself along the way trying to please someone else, taking little consideration into my own goals. Taking roads less traveled can be good, but taking so many can also be detrimental, causing chaos and confusion. Which roads lead "home?" "Home" should have been where the heart was, but I was unable to find it at the time.
Of course, my overzealous nature contributed to the problem. Working was my escape from reality and I thoroughly enjoyed it more than being at home. I enjoyed the camaraderie of my co-workers and the presence of people. What I didn't understand was that my reality was not his reality. In fact, I don't even believe our realities ever co-existed. Nevertheless, the issue eventually came to surface: he was not comfortable with his identity, so he decided he was going to take extreme measures to become the person he wanted to be. I chose not to participate in those decisions because at this point, there was no relationship. Also, I did not want to be included with any part of these modifications. The situation was so surreal, I could have sworn I was in an episode of "The Twilight Zone." Suffice it to say, I left and did not look back. Finding my way back "home" was the best decision of my life.
To this day, I have found love and honesty in every facet of my life, but mostly because I told myself that I wouldn't accept anything less than what I deserved. Thankfully, I have what I deserve and am at a peaceful existence with myself that I could have never fathomed before. I have found love within myself first and within the man of my dreams. Having love in both of these places at once is pure bliss. This is why honesty matters--peace, happiness, and well-being can be yours for the taking if you choose to be honest with yourself first. Once you are honest with yourself, it is easier to be honest with others.
Here's to all of you trying to fulfill one of life's hardest tests: speaking your truth.
But remember this: your truth can and will set you free. It may even take you back "home."
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